I wake up in the middle of the night, turn on my phone and stare at the time. 12:50am. Thoughts go through my head, black nightmares gushes out feeling the devil saying “fail… fail…” and imagining myself running out of class sobbing. That’s right. You guessed it. The fear of seeing that two, possibly three digit numbers with a red circle on the right top hand side on the front page of the exam (yes I use exam, not test. It’s more proper).
“I studied hard… very very hard. There is no reason for me not to get the grade I truly deserve.” I thought to myself. More negativity sinks into my brain. “More than half of the class dropped out. Should I?” My grades are extremely low.
“No I can’t drop out.” IMPOSSIBLE. It’s the definition of giving up. I don’t give up. I have no reason to give up. If I give up then I guess I should give up college all together. I have goals, many goals, more than I can count. Giving up isn’t part of it. Success is!
I continue to stare at my phone, I question myself, “should I look at my grades or just go back to sleep and wait until my professor hands it back in the morning?” No. I can’t wait. I start to sweat as I log onto my campus cruiser, my anxiety worsens, my heart starts to beat faster and faster. I see the “A+ grade” announcement on the class page. I felt like my heart was about to pop out of my chest. I’m scared.
“Just click on it Rania! Just do it!” I scroll down to test #4… No… No… I must be dreaming! I refresh the page twice, but no my eyes were not lying to me! Someone please just pinch me. This can’t be true…
9…4… I GOT AN A! I cannot believe it! Sure I can. I deserved this! I’ve never been so proud and relieved to a get a grade like this! Not even on my calculus exams.
I can’t sleep. But this time with excitement! I lay down in bed and I constantly talk to myself. I want to write this down. I want to write all my excitement down in a little notebook. I get up, turn on my flashlight and grabbed a journal. No writing this down isn’t enough. I need to create my very own personal blog. I want to express all my emotions and share to those who may have experienced the same.
Hello my name is Rania Amer and welcome to my college life.